Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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