My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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