If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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