i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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