I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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