the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
