he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
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He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
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She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"