Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
