put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.