I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
