I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
