just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
