My first STD was from a foam party
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
