Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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