I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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