Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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