I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
