I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
