is your mom at the bar?
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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