i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
