I think my fart just growled at me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
