come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
