Nicole vs. Life
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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