I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
