last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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