I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
