new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
