Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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