evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can I color on your dick again?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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