It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
foreskin is a definite game changer
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
