remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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