listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I could make wine with my vomit
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
