Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
