no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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