All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
