Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
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apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
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IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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