Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
