I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
