i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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