I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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