you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
