There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
