The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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