i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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