____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
