Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
