every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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