I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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