I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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