This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I deserve to be covered in dicks
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
