Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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