im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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