no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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