True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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