i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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