Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
