In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
