The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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