i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
