watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
