Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Boobs speak an international language.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
